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When My ‘Miss Right' waved her Wand!
By Valentine Marc Nkwame
By the time we said ‘Ciao!' Last week, I was still in the slopes of the famous,
Mount Kilema-kyaro, hunting for any skirt wearer, who would be foolish enough to
believe that, my great grandfather used to be the reigning chief for the entire
Sub-Sahara African region.
Realizing this, the skirt wearer is then supposed to rush into my arms sobbing,
"Oh- I- lurve youuu!" like they do in those mushy TV soaps. After saying that,
we both should then go up the Altar and later on, walk down the aisle, or
something.
But in the slopes, when ladies want to say "I Love You!" They stare down on the
ground and whin, "I am afraid!" It is up to the potential future husband to
assure the ‘Sweetie', that, everything was going to be alright.
Well with the proper coaching from my trusted guide, Raphael I managed to go
past this stage without much problem, in fact I even went to an extent of
telling her that she reminded me of Miss World 2006!
However as it turned out, the lady had no idea of what exactly Miss World was
supposed to be, instead she seemed to be more interested in my career. Raphael
had previously warned me that, the ladies of the slopes never understood let
alone accept, any other profession apart from which involves business.
"But if I tell the lady that I am a businessman it will be the purest of all
lies." I said.
"All marriages on earth are built on foundations of lies," retorted Raphael.
"Besides once you take her to Arusha, whatever you do won't make any
difference!"
So I told the lady that she was about to get married to a guy who invented The
Wall Street, not that it mattered to her, as she was rehearsing the next
question. She turned to Raphael and said something which sounded like, "Does he
own Kabati ya Mbeho?"
‘Kabati ya Mbeho' as Raphael translated, means ‘Cold cupboard' or in more
technical term, the lady wanted to know if I own a Refrigerator. I thought of my
ancient refrigerator which when switched on sounds like drunk Janjaweed
militiamen on patrol. So I decided to say, I didn't own a cold cupboard.
Despite the disappointment, My future ‘Honey-Darling,' however didn't stop
there, she turned to my guide again and asked a question which ended with, "
.... Redio ya Mbisha?"
Raphael turned to me and said the lady had asked if I own a Radio with pictures
on it. In layman language, the would be my ‘Future Mrs,' wanted to know if I had
a Television set at home.
Again I considered my 14 Inch Black and White set, which only operates when
there is no Rain, Sun, or the wind and when it does operate, it sounds as if
there was a heavy downpour in the studio.
The last time a picture appeared on my TV screen, it was that of Yasser Arafat
when he was still alive that is. God willing maybe when the weather clears in
say August, I might be able to get a glimpse of another picture. Anyway, as far
as that goes, I told them that I didn't own a TV.
Raphael was losing patience, he reminded me that I was lucky that the lady did
not demand a Toyota Stout Pick-up truck in the first place. " I fail to
understand why you don't seem to own anything.
"Well I own a wall Clock," I said. "It is a very unique one and usually lets out
an alarm whenever the hour strikes....!"
"Shut up!" Shouted Raphael as the lady took onto her heels. "You have wasted all
my time. In fact I even doubt if you really come from Arusha, people there have
refrigerators."
..... And that was it. My ‘Miss Right' waved her wand and I disappeared. Right
now I am back in Arusha, trying to console myself that after all, Valentines Day
2005, has already gone.
nkwames@yahoo.com
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