How To become a man in Arusha ...!
By Valentine Marc Nkwame
...ARUSHA WE HAVE A PROBLEM! This apparently, happens to be that time of the year, when thousands of little boys, barely out of their diapers, want to force their way into the local Male department of Adulthood.
These guys, are none other than the recently graduated young Class Seven outputs, who feel that, having completed primary school education, they are now entitled to join the local elders’ council .... And start reaping "Shika-Moos!"
Well! Not yet. At least, not before going through this set of 14 requirement stages for a person to be considered a certified "Mzee!" in Arusha. These are:
1. Stop taking regular, ordinary, home-made meals and start eating "Nyama Choma" for breakfast, lunch and even supper .... Yes! In local pubs.
2. Start reading serious newspapers ... Even if the first seven attempts will be done with the paper being held upside down.
3. Buy a Cellular phone, give everybody your number then switch it off ... It adds some "Importance" to your "Importance!"
4. Get married secretly! After all, the wedding fanfares are normally for people with only two brain cells ..... Like that old school mate of yours whose father happens to be rich!
5. Say something clever! Be an expert on Middle East affairs, for instance: "The Israelites are crazy" You chortle. "Arafat will never budge!"
6. Discover that the Government is doing everything wrongly!
7. Stop watching Nigerian made films and instead get yourself some old classics like, "Romancing the stone!" Not necessarily for watching, but for keeping .... To boost your image.
8. Sleep throughout Christmas day ... In fact, why not wake up five days after the New Year day?
9. Learn how to drive ... A nail into the wood, using a hammer (very important when repairing your bed).
10. Keep in mind that, Watching commercial Television stations, like; ITV, Channel 10 and star TV, is what extremely bored housewives do for Entertainment.
11. Live outside the town ... Makes it easier to borrow money and get away without paying.
12. Stop going to "The Blue" Triple A Club and start attending the oldies weekend night bashes, at Hotel Seventy Seven ...
13. Join the old "Wazees" weekly, Sunday morning soccer matches at General Tyre .... Come to think of it, maybe you shouldn’t!
14. Pretend to love culture ... And this should also include acting as if you enjoy those repetitive, boring, traditional dances songs and wood sculptures .
Already gone through the above stages? Good! But if you thought they were guaranteed to make you a man .... Then you will never become one.
October 02, 2003.