Separation of parents leaves scars in children’s hearts

By Boniface O. Mouti.

This week I would like us to reflect on rather a very sensitive topic, divorce. The institution of marriage has remained a mystery to some people, yet this is the very unit that is supposed to bring and nurture the nature of children that the society needs. But in its nature, marriage instead has been at the forefront in abusing the very children that it is supposed to take care of. Many people nowadays find marriage boring. What with the demands of children and struggling to make a living. Marriage becomes a routine.

The woman rushes home from the office to be with the children while the man joins the "boys" after work for a drink. On weekends everybody runs their errands. The wife and children go to church on Sunday while the man is left nursing the previous night’s hangover and then later joins his buddies again for another carousing or visits "the other woman". He definitely doesn’t know the fairing of the children.

Seeing this the woman also looks for an outlet for her frustrations. Irresponsible and a don’t-care-attitude within the institution of marriage and many other factors have greatly contributed to divorce in our families. Listen to this episode: James, his brother and sister were happy children growing up in a warm and loving home. The home was their anchor of love, security and belonging. This was until his parents decided to part ways, throwing into disarray the solid home base the children had come to regard as part of their being. At eleven and being the eldest, James bore the brunt of the divorce overnight, he transformed from a child to an adult. As the parents fought it out in court, he was left with the responsibility of taking care of Michael and Jane aged six and four respectively. "I pretended in their presence that everything was fine but when I was alone, I broke down and cried every now and then," said James.

After the parents finalized their divorce, it was time to "divide" the children. James remained with the father while Michael and Jane went with the mother. " I had never thought of living without my mother or my brother and sister. I must have been the unhappiest boy in the world. The separation of my parents has left a huge scar in my heart and mind. I don’t think if I grow up I will ever marry," lamented James.

Finally listen to this one: Mary’s mother left when she was two years old. The woman her father married soon after was abusive. She was abusive and did not treat Mary as a human being. Saying she tortured her is an understatement. Words can’t describe what she went through. But what hurts most is the fact that her mother left her at the mercy of a devil in search of her own happiness. "Why do mothers do this to the innocent lives they have brought to the world?" Asks Mary now aged fifteen.

Many victims as can be deduced from above two stories are adversely affected because they do not understand nor are they told the reasons for separation. Divorce at any one time cannot be justified especially if behind it are egoistic motives. When one person walks out of marriage, where say three children are involved, at least four people are traumatized so that one person can be happy. To a child, there is nothing comparable to seeing both parents wake up under the same roof, not necessarily everyday but from time to time on regular basis. Divorce is unfair where children are involved because the parents are responsible for the children’s happiness.

Divorce tortures children physically, psychologically and emotionally. Socially the children will be jaded by others. They become highly sensitive when a comment touching divorce is made. They also fear interacting with others and often see themselves as failures in the presence of other children whose parents are together.

Due to the above factors, at times we are tempted to say that for the sake of the children, a bad marriage should be necessary evil than a divorce any day. The only acceptable thing is death because it natured, but what two sane people decide to do for the detriment of happiness of their children leads to child abuse to its devastating effects. As I have always said before, two wrongs never make a right. Let us promote the spirit of dialogue in our homes. It will go along way to saving us from difficult situations. To sum up our talk listen to part one, article 3 on Convention on the Rights of the Child: "In all actions concerning children, whether undertaken by public or private social welfare institutions, courts of law, administrative authorities or legislative bodies, the best interest of the child shall be a primary consideration." 

Last modified: August 22, 2003.
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